Disclaimer: Insert legal stuff where I say I don't own Eva and am not making any money off it here. Much like the End of Evangelion movie, this fic makes absolutely no sense. Names of speakers will only be indicated in case of conversations involving more than one character. In the event that you find conversations that you can't understand because of this, don't worry, they were never meant to be understood.
It's a normal day at the Katsuragi residence. Asuka and Shinji are fighting over what to watch on TV.
Taking the remote from Asuka, Shinji changes the channel. 'I was here first, I want to watch the blue screen!'
Retrieving the remote, Asuka changes the channel again. 'Shut up, Baka! The blue screen is so boring! I want to watch the red screen!'
This goes on for some time, neither side willing to give in to the other. Exasperated, Misato decides to take matters into her own hands. Taking the remote, she switches the channel over to a purple screen.
Shinji's eyes light up. 'It's blue!'
Asuka's eyes brighten up as well. 'And yet red at the same time!'
The second and third children sit there mesmerized for some time. In fact, throughout this fic, one would notice that almost everything they do takes 'some time' what exactly does 'some time' mean? It could be anything from a few minutes to a couple of hours. Anyway, they are interrupted by the sudden ringing of the alarms. Why would the author even have to indicate that the alarms started ringing 'suddenly'? It's not as if alarms can 'slowly' start to ring.
Major Katsuragi acts quickly. Finishing off her beer, she proceeds to declare the obvious. 'Angel attack.'
Back at NERV, the whole bridge crew is staring intently at the large screen in front of them. Not that there's anything else to stare intently at. Dr. Akagi is restless.
'Where are the children? Maya, what's the status of the pilots?'
'Well, sempai, I'm pretty sure they're all single, but since all their personal records have been erased...'
Ritsuko sweatdrops. 'No, I mean will they be arriving anytime soon?'
Maya sweatdrops. 'Oh! In that case, Major Katsuragi has already phoned and informed me that she already has Shinji and Asuka. They are en route to pick up Rei now. Considering the Major's total disregard for any and all traffic laws, they should be here in ten minutes or so.'
'Good. What about the angel?'
'What about the angel?'
(exasperated) 'When will it be arriving?'
'The Magi estimate that it will arrive within the vicinity of the Geo Front in fifteen minutes.'
'Can you get a visual on screen?'
The screen shows a familiar yellow rodent electrocuting its opponent, a turtle squirting water off it's mouth.
Ritsuko sweatdrops. 'I meant a visual of the angel.'
'Oh! Gomen, sempai.'
The large screen in front of them begins to show the newest angel. It is very large. Aside from dozens of sharp spikes on its body, it is spherical in shape. It seems to be hovering above the ground. Maya makes an astute observation.
'Oh my! Such a kawaii angel.'
Ritsuko sweatdrops again. 'Maya, if you do not cease these inane comments of yours, you will completely dehydrate me.'
(head hung low) 'Yes, sempai.'
'Still, you have a point. If it wasn't for the fact that it's hundreds of times larger than a normal person and covered with those weird spike thingies, it would make a nice pet.'
At that point, Major Katsuragi arrives with the children in tow.
'We're here! What's the status of the angel!?!'
'Well, angels don't really have a social life so I suppose it's single. But I really think you can do better than an angel, Major. I'm sure Kaji would...'
Misato sweatdrops. 'What's it doing?'
Maya sweatdrops. 'Oh! it's just floating there.'
'Really? What's the status of... I mean, are the children ready?'
'Hai! I'll put them on the comm link now.' Smaller screens appear showing the three pilots.
[Asuka] 'Unit 02 ready to rumble.'
[Rei] 'Unit 00 prepared for battle.'
Misato 'Shinji, what's wrong! Say your catchy phrase now!'
[Shinji] 'But... I haven't thought of one yet.'
Misato 'Damn! Activate and launch units 00 and 02. In the meantime, I'll help Shinji think of a catchy phrase that suits him.'
Maya 'Yes, Major!'
'Oh, and Maya, why is it so damn wet here? You'd think NERV was getting flooded or something!'
Maya sweatdrops. 'Well, everyone was sweat dropping and...'
Misato sweatdrops. 'Never mind, I think I can guess.'
While units 02 and 00 are launching to the surface, Unit 01 sits in its cage, unable to launch.
Misato 'Shinji, can't you think of something?'
[Shinji] 'I... I... can't'
Misato (to the commander) 'Sir, Unit 01 unable to launch!'
Higher up on the bridge, with his hands steepled in front of him, Gendo turns to Fuyutsuki. 'Fuyutsuki, I shall leave this situation up to you.'
'Very well sir. (turns to Misato) Leave Unit 01 in its cage for now. Concentrate on helping Units 00 and 02.'
Misato 'Oh my God! I forgot all about them!'
Misato turns toward the bridge bunnies to find them eating popcorn, watching the battle unfold on screen.'
'What the hell are you all doing?'
Hyuga turns toward her and hands her a bowl.
'Oh, gomen nasai Major. Did you want some?'
'Thank you. What's happening at the surface?'
'Well, Unit 02 is currently being thrashed by that angel with it's spike thingies and Unit 00 hasn't moved yet.'
'Huh! Why not?'
'Nobody has given Rei any orders yet.'
'Oh. (turning to the screen) Rei, do something.'
Unit 00 sits down and starts relaxing.
'I meant do something to fight the angel. Sheesh! I'm surrounded by wise guys.'
That's when Maya remembers something from a seminar she attended.
'Major, the P.C. term for that would be wise person.'
Unit 00 then starts moving towards the angel. Suddenly, a shrill voice emanates from the comm link.
'What about me? What am I supposed to do?'
'Use your progressive knife or something. It's not like doing anything would help, anyway. Unit 02 always gets trashed.'
At the mention of the progressive knife, Shinji remembers a question he wanted to ask.
'Misato-san, why do we call it a progressive knife? It's as big as a house. Why not progressive sword?'
'Gee, I don't really know.' Turns to Ritsuko looking thoughtful in the corner. 'Ritsuko, why do we call it a progressive knife?'
The scientist looks at her and pauses. Anticipating the answer, Misato and the bridge bunnies also pause. Gendo and Fuyutsuki also turn to look at her. Shinji momentarily stops his catchy phrase brainstorming. On the surface, Unit 02 stops squirming from underneath the angel who was pinning it. Unit 00 stops in mid-air from where it is poised to deliver a blow to the angel. Feeling a need to conform, the angel also takes a brake from thrashing Unit 02.
Sweatdrops. 'I... I... I don't really know!'
Misato facefaults. The bridge bunnies facefault. Sub Commander Fuyutsuki also facefaults. Shinji facefaults, causing Unit 01's head to violently hit the cage. Units 00 and 02 also facefault. Seeing Unit 02 facefault, the angel takes advantage of the opening and cuts off Unit 02's arms and head.
Asuka 'This is getting kinda old.'
Hyuga 'Um... Major... Shinji's fine. Asuka's the pilot of Unit 02.'
Misato sweatdrops. 'Oops, gomen. Force of habit. (Clearing her throat) Asuka!!!!!'
[Asuka] 'Misato! No fair! Your playing favorites.'
Misato 'I am not. Whatever gave you that idea, Asuka?'
[Asuka] 'When you called out Shinji's name, you used seven exclamation points, but you only used five exclamation points for me.'
(looks up a few lines) 'Hey, your right! I guess I am playing favorites. But we have no time to discuss that now, the angel's still out there.'
'Wait a minute! You're not getting off that ea...'
Misato cuts off the link. 'Would someone please send a crew to retrieve Unit 02's entry plug.'
Aoba 'Awww, do we hafta? It's not like she's much help anyway. All she does is complain.' (under his breath) 'Finally, I get to speak a line.'
Misato 'Now you listen to me and you listen good. Asuka may not be such a good fighter and she may whine and complain all the time, but she's still useful for comic relief. Especially with that yellow sundress she likes to wear.'
Hyuga 'Yeah, I could swear it's aerodynamically designed to catch air and lift up with the longest possible hang time.'
Ritsuko 'Actually, it is. I designed it myself.'
Maya and Misato 'Really!?! No way!'
Ritsuko 'Yes way! And I can make more, too. You can start placing your orders now.'
While the female crew surrounds Ritsuko, Shinji is still sitting confused in his Eva.
(thinking to himself) 'Damn! I can't think of a catchy phrase! Asuka is already out of commission. If this continues, Rei will go down too. If that happens, all my hopes of actually scoring in this fic are lost! Not only that, I still can't figure out why we call them progressive knives.'
On the surface, the battle between Unit 00 and the angel is at a standstill. Unit 00 is shooting at the angel with a rifle. The rifle isn't doing any damage, but it is keeping the angel from advancing further.
Back at NERV, Shinji decides to ask again.
[Shinji] 'Misato-san, I can't think with this question hanging over my head. Why do we call them progressive knives?'
Disturbed from her discussion with Ritsuko regarding the specifics of her new dress, Misato reacts like any mother figure would. 'I don't know, go ask your father.'
[Shinji] 'Father, why are our weapons called progressive knives when they're much too long to be just knives?'
Gendo (hands steepled in front of him) 'Fuyutsuki, I'll leave this up to you.'
Fuyutsuki 'Very well sir. (turns to the screen) Well, Shinji, the weapon may look huge to you, but to the EVA, it's just a knife.'
[Shinji] 'So you're saying it all depends on the scale?'
Fuyutsuki 'Exactly.' Suddenly a new comm link appears.
[Rei] 'Sir, your logic is flawed.'
Fuyutsuki 'Really, may I inquire as to why?'
[Rei] 'If the distinction between knives and swords was all in the scale, then when children hold kitchen knives, we should call them kitchen swords. However, if I remember correctly, when I picked up a kitchen knife as a child, Commander Ikari told me to put down 'the knife', not 'the sword' .'
Fuyutsuki 'I... see. Very... well reasoned.'
Unbeknownst to them, while they were discussing the merits of naming the weapons, the angel has been preparing for its most powerful attack.
[Rei] 'Furthermore, ungh!!!'
Shinji and Fuyutsuki 'What!?!'
Hyuga 'Unit 00 is down!!! What should we do!?!'
[Shinji] 'What!!! You just ruined all my chances of scoring you stupid S2 organ powered being of mass destruction! Who am I supposed to make out with now!?!'
Misato 'Well, I suppose that's as catchy as Shinji can get. Hashin EVA!'
Unit 01 is catapulted to the surface. Shinji strikes a dramatic pose designed to intimidate the opponent as well as provide a nice still pin-up. Unfortunately, the effect is ruined as he is facing away from the angel.
Misato 'Shinji! Watch out for its spike thingies!'
As the angel rams itself into Unit 01, its spikes extend a little, impaling the unit before swinging and throwing Unit 01 into a mountain.
Misato 'Shinji!!!!!!! (turns to Maya) Activate catchy theme song at once.'
Maya 'Pardon me, Major?'
Misato 'I said play a catchy theme song. Whenever the good guy is in trouble, you have to play something catchy for him to get a second wind.'
Ritsuko 'That is correct, Maya. I'm surprised you don't know, what with you being an anime character and all.'
Maya 'But if we knew that all along, why didn't we use it on Unit 00 and 02?'
Ritsuko 'Simple, it would have been terribly anticlimactic for the fic.'
Maya 'I see. I'm sorry, sempai. I'll play something at once.'
As the song begins, Shinji thinks about what options are left to him. (thinking to himself) 'Damn! Asuka's down, and so is Rei. That reduces my chances of making out in this fic to next to nil. I suppose the only thing left for me to do is go kill the angel in a really cool way. Maybe I'll even get a cross explosion.'
Pulling out its progressive knife, Unit 01 charges the angel and sticks the knife into the core. It exploded in a huge cross explosion as core-pierced angels tend to do. Suddenly, a pink bunny carrying a drum walks across the screen.
Maya 'Unit 01 is going berserk!'
Misato (turning to face Gendo) 'Sir, what should we do?'
Gendo (hands steepled in front of him) 'Fuyutsuki, I leave this...'
Fuyutsuki (pissed off) 'Enough already! I've been doing everything for three days now! I haven't seen you move since three days ago, when you were working on those EVA model kits.' A look of understanding suddenly appears on his face. (smirking) 'You've glued yourself in place, haven't you?'
Gendo (hands steepled in front of him) '...yes.'
Meanwhile, on screen, Unit 01 has already eaten the angel and taken the batteries into itself. Rising from its position, it lets out a blood curdling... burp?
Misato 'Ritsuko, what the hell just happened?'
Ritsuko 'It must have been really hungry.'
Misato 'No! Not that. I thought that stupid thing was supposed to keep going and going and going? And when can I pick up my dress?'
Ritsuko 'I'm a busy woman. I've got to do the reports for the units, I've got to do the research for information, I've got to do the commander...'
Misato 'Okay, I think I've heard enough.'
Ritsuko 'Don't worry. Since you're all my friends I'll put more priority on your orders.'
Maya 'Arigato, sempai. But Unit 01 is still berserk.'
[Shinji] 'Don't worry, that was all me. You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.'
Everyone nods in agreement. Later, back at the Katsuragi apartment...
Asuka 'Shinji, I'm bored. Wanna... hey! Wondergirl! What are you doing here? And what do you think you're doing to Shinji?'
Rei (comes up for air) 'I am currently making out with Pilot Ikari.'
Asuka 'Shinji! I can't believe you would choose that doll over me!'
Shinji (takes a breather) 'Come on, Asuka! Aren't you supposed to be the genius? Don't you know anything about psychology? I have this Oedipus complex thing that makes me hate my father and compete with him for my mother's affection. Since Rei is a clone of Mom, I would naturally choose her over you.'
Shinji 'Naw. Actually it's just that blue hair turns me on.'
Asuka 'I... see.'
Back at NERV...
Gendo (thinking to himself) 'I never really thought glue could be such a powerful force. Forget instrumentality! Adhesives are where it's at!'